Leaving Me Behind
by chibisanzo
Summary: One-shot. Sometimes, you leave everything behind to find that special thing even though it is right beside you.


This probably needs fixing but. :)

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Tsuzuki had made the ultimate decision. He was joining the other side, where all souls go to once their lives at earth had expired on earth. He was looking to make peace with himself; to find the solace that wasn't there no matter how hard he tried to find it nor how many lives he saved. 

Hisoka wasn't sure how he felt about it yet. His skin was crawling with a million different emotions; all of them which he was sure came from him- each wanting a way out. He tried hard to contain them because he didn't want Tsuzuki's departure to be more painful than it should be, and because he knew Tsuzuki would stay the moment he opened his mouth and asked him to.

It would be selfish of him to beg Tsuzuki not to go, not to leave him there all by himself, but Hisoka is only seventeen, and he had been robbed of his most precious things while he was alive, so why can't he be selfish, just this once?

The mature part of him outweighed the emotionally-deprived teenager underneath all that layer of adult. He understood what it was like to feel so empty and painful that death was probably the only way to escape everything. But deep inside, he had hoped desperately that he would have been enough to fill in that hole for Tsuzuki.

Hisoka had tried; he had tried so hard to be of some source of comfort to Tsuzuki, to make him realize that he wasn't alone, wasn't despised, and that everything happened because they happened and not because Tsuzuki caused them to be that way.

It wasn't enough. Tsuzuki blatantly refused to expose his demons to anyone, least of all Hisoka; he kept them all to himself, close to his heart.

And for all the time Hisoka thought he was making progress, Tsuzuki was decaying slowly inside, hiding it all beneath the cheerful eyes and overly genki attitude, and pout when he wanted cake and Hisoka didn't want to give it to him.

He had them all fooled. Despite Tsuzuki's pain and therefore right to sulk and sink into depression, Hisoka felt horribly betrayed by it all. What would warrant him the right to be Tsuzuki's closest friend and partner, if he was as astounded as everyone else when Tsuzuki tearfully announced the news to everybody in the office? After Tsuzuki left to wallow in misery, Hisoka was the one who got fired with all sorts of questions from everyone, and he couldn't answer any single one of them. He was met with disbelieving glances and stares. He was Hisoka. How could he not know the answers?

He hadn't had the chance to personally speak to Tsuzuki since then, what with both parties purposefully avoiding one another. Tsuzuki hadn't dared to meet Hisoka's eyes and by chance if he did, the expression on his face was punctuated with a half-pout and mournful eyes. Hisoka simply feared he would erupt if he was within range of Tsuzuki so he stayed away all together. They had spent the whole week dancing around one another, checking each other's schedules so they wouldn't have to meet. Field duties were off for the moment, because of preparations of Tsuzuki's departure, and 'concern over Tsuzuki's general emotional state'. Tsuzuki spent almost all his time with Tatsumi under the sakura trees, no doubt reminiscing their wonderful times they had spent together, and Hisoka hid in the sanctuaries of the library with books on Depression and Human Psychology for company.

Obviously, he didn't want to say goodbye with a polite handshake and a stiff smile but Hisoka could not walk into a room with Tsuzuki in it without gritting his teeth painfully and feeling the urge to just scream each time somebody shot Tsuzuki sympathetic smiles and comforting pats on his back.

He was doodling now, on scrappy bits of paper, on his desk, in the office. He drew angry-looking shapes and colored them in with his black marker pen as furiously as possible, as if he could color out his tension that way. The whole of Meifu was at Tsuzuki's farewell party at the Earl's residence. Hisoka refused to be there. He didn't want to see tears and hugs and encouraging words being exchanged, as if Tsuzuki was going on a 12-day vacation to Hawaii. As if he was coming back with souvenirs in tow.

Tsuzuki probably wouldn't even miss him, he surmised. He had plenty of people telling him how much he meant to them and how they will miss him once he left.

"Hisoka?"

His doodling pen stopped drawing. He was now halfway finishing up a drawing of a stick figure being bludgeoned to death by a shorter stick figure. He was being childish. So sue him.

His shoulders tensed. Without realizing it, he began grinding his teeth together and hoped feverishly that the person walked away.

Tsuzuki walked up to his table and eased into the chair directly across him. Hisoka was forced to meet his eyes then, and felt a horrible pang in his stomach at the sad, haunted look in Tsuzuki's eyes.

"You weren't at the party," he said softly.

"I was busy," he mumbled, and capped his marker pen. He gathered all the papers, and shuffled them together, trying to organize some sense of order into the scrappy bits. At the same time, he tried to sort his thoughts out too and made sure the emotions that were seeping into his heart were pushed back into wherever they came from.

"Oh." Tsuzuki looked downcast again, and that half-pout appeared on his face, like Hisoka was at fault for making him so sad.

Don't. Hisoka thought. He could feel the anger, the hurt, but mostly the anger buzzing through his veins and he didn't want to say things that he would regret later. Instead, he bit his lip and kept it shut, staring straight at Tsuzuki.

"Well, I just thought that…since I'm leaving…and all…" Tsuzuki looked at him hopefully.

Hisoka was getting dangerously angry now, and he didn't want to feel that way. Tsuzuki had no right to pull off his pity-me, I'm Tsuzuki act on him right now.

Tsuzuki clasped his hands together and gripped his fingers so tightly the knuckles were white. His pout was getting deeper now, and he had on his lost puppy look. "I had hoped…that you would come…to the party." He said quietly. "But I guess…"

"Don't." The group of papers in his hands was folded inwards, borderline to being crushed into a tiny little ball. He felt the first sign of tears in his eyes, and willed them to go away. He couldn't afford to lose control and he was this close.

Tsuzuki carried on. "It's okay…You probably had better things to do…"

Hisoka slammed a hand on the table, sending papers flying in every direction. Angry hot tears were running down his cheeks now as he shouted at Tsuzuki. He couldn't remember exactly, but every single one of those emotions found an outlet, and poor Tsuzuki was the target for all of them. He told Tsuzuki that he had no right to pull of his stupid stupid acts off on Hisoka and expect him to eat them all up. He told him that he didn't have the right to act all hurt when Hisoka was the one who was being played. He had shouted that Tsuzuki should never have become his partner. He said many things, most of them horrible things that he knew Tsuzuki would turn it on himself and make everything worse, make the hole deeper, and blacker and lower until he couldn't climb out of it anymore.

But at the moment, he wanted it to hurt.

Watari had dragged him home then, and left a completely stunned Tsuzuki to Tatsumi to calm him down. The mother-hen in Watari always came out full force especially when it came to matters like these. Watari had held him so tightly he could barely breathe, and he collapsed onto the couch holding on to Watari and crying and sobbing like a three year old baby until he fell asleep with Watari crooning nonsense comforting sounds into his ear.

When he woke up the next morning, all red-eyed and hazy and drooling all over Watari's white smock, Watari looked at him very seriously and said "You have five days left, Hisoka."

Five days left. He looked down at his hands then because he didn't know what to say, and he didn't want to look into Watari's eyes.

"How long are you going to sulk?" Watari chided gently.

"I am not-" He was sulking. So he shut up.

"I know how you feel. I have been his friend since forever. But I don't want to regret not saying goodbye."

Then it struck Hisoka then, that he had probably been just as selfish as Tsuzuki. And it was really going to happen, Tsuzuki was really going. It was not going to be like the time when Touda spouted fire and Tsuzuki almost died. Tsuzuki had stayed then, he had stayed for him. He was trying to bully Tsuzuki into not going.

The realization didn't make him feel any better. He felt like he was going to puke every single thing out of his stomach, acid included, because he hadn't been eating much lately. He could only say "ohmygod" over and over again until Watari asked him to go see Tsuzuki, to patch things up.

He had walked numbly, over to the various spots where he thought Tsuzuki might be. He hadn't quite figured out his apology speech, but he figured that he would lose the words anyway so he didn't bother to prepare one. He found Tsuzuki at the sakura blossoms, Tatsumi's usually occupied chair empty.

Breathing shakily, Hisoka forced himself to sit across Tsuzuki. He had looked up and almost immediately, looked down at his hands again. Hisoka forced himself to smile. This wasn't about him anymore. "I'm … sorry," he said awkwardly.

He saw Tsuzuki look at him in surprise, then relief. He forced himself to continue. "I shouldn't have said all those things. I just wish…I was more prepared. That you're leaving."

Tsuzuki looked at him then and gave him a guilty smile. "I'm sorry too, I don't know. I should have told you earlier. I was just so tired." And he stopped there, as if that was the only excuse he needed, that he was tired.

Hisoka was very tired too, of a lot of things, but he would never tell Tsuzuki that. He had only five days, to make everything right again before they go horribly wrong. He suggested they go eat cake, doing one of the things Tsuzuki liked to do, for the last time, like performing last rites for someone's funeral. In a way, it was true, and Hisoka was preparing for Tsuzuki's funeral.

And Tsuzuki had smiled and turned chibi and they walked all the way to the nearest store on Earth for strawberry shortcake. Tsuzuki told Hisoka of all the glorious and most cherished moments during his stint as a shinigami, and he told it so fast, like there wasn't enough time. He spoke briefly of his past life, and how his sister loved to dance, and there was a special light in his eyes when he talked about her. He talked about his various partners that have-one way or another- parted ways less than one month after they were teamed up. He said that Hisoka was his longest partner to date. He spoke of Tatsumi also, and his eyes were heavy, when he told Hisoka how Tatsumi broke their partnership. Hisoka's stomach did flip flops at this, but he pushed away the thought out of his mind.

Hisoka had walked home with Tsuzuki after that, hardly speaking at all, mostly listening. Tsuzuki rambled on and on about how his shikigami should be assigned to capable partners after he left, and he smiled cheekily at Hisoka and suggested Byakko should go for compatibility tests to be Hisoka's shiki. Hisoka glared at him, mostly out of habit, and complained that Byakko had an annoying habit of glomping on to people and never letting them go. All the while Tsuzuki talked, Hisoka's heart was as heavy as lead, and he felt like he was sinking and drowning in a never-ending ocean of despair.

When Tsuzuki left and dropped him at his own house, Hisoka sat on the steps of his house, too tired all of a sudden to even move any longer. He expelled all the air in him in one big sigh, like he was holding his breath all along the whole time with Tsuzuki. He buried his face into his hands and just focused on breathing, because right now, that was the only thing he felt he was able to do.

By the third day, Hisoka had mastered the art of Tsuzuki. He hid his thoughts in a cover of indifference, like the Hisoka Tsuzuki was used to. He glared at Tsuzuki, he refused him cake, he complained that Tsuzuki was going to leave him a ton of paperwork to do once he left, and he even smiled once when Tsuzuki gently ruffled his hair. It was quite easy once you get used to it, really. People generally left you alone when you acted to their expectations. He left every night, to Tsuzuki's happy smiles, and sat on the steps of his own home, crying and dreading the day that was going to come.

Tsuzuki hugged him tightly now, and Hisoka hugged back, not sure if he ever wanted to let go. But he knew he had to, because he could not be selfish and he had to respect Tsuzuki's wishes. But he grew desperate and clung on tighter, hoping and hoping beyond belief that everything was a terrible nightmare and he would soon wake up. He wasn't strong enough. He couldn't possibly accept this. But he had to. For Tsuzuki's sake, he had to.

He smiled through his tears and laughed slightly when Tsuzuki told him he was going to miss him. He told Hisoka how thankful he was to have such a great partner that stuck through everything with him. He told Hisoka how happy he was during the last four days. And Hisoka just smiled back and prayed and prayed that he would wake up because nightmares weren't supposed to last this long.

Tsuzuki gave him a last smile, and peck on the cheek and stepped through the door. He waved.

And Hisoka's heart broke.

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A/N: And yes, I have noticed, I like to abuse Hisoka. runs away from readers asking what happened to Why Did You Leave Me?

Feedback very much appreciated :)


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